2.2.6.2 B: Focusing on the Issue

Sometimes, a caller with a long history of abuse and sexual assault will call a helpline and it will be the first time someone is really listening to them, supporting them and believing them. They may start to use the helpline as an opportunity to unload, and you will need to use your communication skills to help identify what it is they need at that moment.

You will need good communication skills to clarify that you have correctly understood what the caller is saying.

Paraphrasing: Repeating the caller’s message is a key communication skill and involves repeating what the caller said in similar, but fewer, words. Do this anytime a caller tells you a long story, to get to the root of what is going on and to test your current understanding of the content so far.

If your paraphrasing is correct, it encourages the caller to continue because they know that they have been heard and understood, which creates trust and rapport.

Clarifying: This is another important communication skill to use because you will not always understand the message the caller is trying to convey, especially if their timeline jumps around a lot. It’s always better to ask a clarifying question than to assume you understand something.

Otherwise, when you paraphrase what you thought you heard, the caller may become upset because you did not hear them correctly, which breaks trust and rapport and does not give them what they need.

Clarifying gives the caller control because they have an opportunity to agree or to correct your understanding of the situation.

Reflecting: Reflecting back to the person what you are hearing can be useful in identifying feelings. Rather than asking questions, we can reflect feelings back as the caller is talking about what has happened.

Reflecting lets the caller know that you are listening and empathizing with their feelings.

Picking and choosing how you ask questions: It’s not necessary for you to know every piece of information; be sure not to ask questions just to satisfy your curiosity. Avoid asking ‘why’ questions because they tend to be accusatory.

Rather than blaming the survivor, blame the perpetrator who violated boundaries and committed the sexual assault. Asking questions like ‘Can you tell me more about how that made you feel?’ or ‘What do you think that means?’ can help lead a quiet caller into a conversation.

Remember, this is a difficult topic for people to discuss, and they may feel wary and uncomfortable about what they are saying. We want to make them feel comfortable. Saying things such as ‘I would be angry’ or ‘It’s understandable that you feel angry. Many people would feel angry in that situation’ can help make the survivor feel more comfortable.

Questions can also help if the caller starts to lose focus on what they were saying. Picking a single theme and selecting one word or phrase to repeat back as a question can be helpful in bringing them back to what is happening now and why they called.

The easiest way to do this is to ask, ‘What made you call the helpline today?’

The helpline is there to support people dealing with sexual assault, not to help them deal with decades of issues in a 20-minute helpline call.

It’s important to focus the caller because sometimes receiving help and support can feel like counseling, and the helpline is not counseling.

Our role as an advocate is to find the one thing that we can talk about to handle the crisis in the moment and to, hopefully, refer the caller to someone who can provide long-term support, if that is available in your community.

Once we have heard what the caller has to say and we have helped them to figure out some of their feelings, we will have a better understanding of why the person has called and what they need.

Although the caller may feel helpless and hopeless, it’s important to help them realize that they have the solutions that they need.

They are in control because this is their issue, and you cannot fix it for them. You are there to support, provide resources if necessary and empower them to find a solution.

You may have callers who do not want to end the call because they need more help and support than the helpline can offer. They may be scared and afraid of trying solutions on their own, but they must realize they’re the only ones who can take control of the situation.

Once they choose the solution that works best for them, you may need to restate the problem and summarize the different solutions. For example, you could say, ‘We have talked about what is going on and how you feel, and we have come up with several plans. Here are the things you have agreed to try.’

We want to make sure that the caller creates a Safety Plan (you can read more about this in the section ‘How to Safety Plan’) because once the call ends, that plan is going to help them to know what to do next.

Asking, for example, ‘How do things look to you now?’ is one way to see if the survivor feels safer and more hopeful than they did at the beginning of the call. This does not mean that everything is fixed, but it does help the caller reflect that together you have created a plan to deal with what is going on right now so that when the call ends they can take control of the situation.

If you have someone who remains unwilling to get off the phone, you can say, ‘Now I am going to let you go. You can try the things we planned, and if you are having a difficult time, you can always call us back. Thank you for calling.’

Rather than being rude or mean, what we’re saying is that the caller has the solutions and needs to find the strength to move forward and try them out.